Why I bother listening to the traffic news is quite a mystery.
In the last week, or so, there has only been ONE day when junction 10 has not been mentioned. Today it was on again, yes, how boring, it was on AGAIN.

There was a smash-up and the A3 was backed right up to Painshill and yesterday there was a lorry on fire.

I used to drive a lorry or two and I have driven, and walked, from down there to up there. But was is it with junction 10? Blah blah clockwise, backed up to Motorway 23. What is it?

Dame Helen Mirren should tear up her passport and flush it down the bog. Silly cow. Don’t bother coming back, luvvie. That platform was built by Amerikans and worked by Amerikans. BP is 40% owned by Amerikans. Embarrassed to be British? No problem. Just stay in Kalifornia and watch your career follow your passport. And feel free to hand back your Damehood.

Lorry on fire? None of mine ever did. How did that happen? Fag-end out the window? I dunno.

I don’t know if I’ve bored you with this before but a friend of mine was driving a lorry and he was pulling out onto a more major road. He looked through the offside window, as you do, and saw two cars coming towards him. Two cars, exactly the same. He had had a stroke.

At the hospital he got asked how he felt about what had happened. Now then, this is Police humour.

“I feel really angry”

“Angry you say. And why would that be?”

“Because I have just bought another set of lights to go on the Christmas Tree but if I had known this was going to happen I needn’t have bothered”

Boom Tish!

Got to go, I’ve just missed a call. Probably the hospital or a bill.